FAFSA, which stands for
Ever since my daughter Melissa informed American University that she would, indeed, accept their offer of admission, Bob and I spent many pleasant afternoons working on the FAFSA form. In fact, we were quite dissappointed when we finally hit "submit" because we no longer had the wonderful opportunity to type in our user name and password...to feel that rush of exhilaration watching the page load...to jump for joy when the pop up message informed us that our user name and password were wrong...to sing and dance with unbridled enthusiasm when, after resetting our user name and password for the 3,964th time, we were told that our user name and password were still wrong.
Yes, when we hit "submit" we were so, so sad, knowing we'd have to wait an entire year before we could relish, once again, the enjoyment that only the FASFA form can bring.
But wait!
As luck would have it, a letter arrived in the mail from American University. Turns out they needed additional paperwork in order to provide Melissa with an accurate financial aid package.
Bob and I popped the cork on the champagne!
Hooray! We get a chance to work on the FASFA form again!!
The letter from American University informed us that we needed to submit the following information:
- The federal indemnity doowackleshnort form 392100945556667 Section A, Section P, and Section QZ
- The IRS 1962, 1963, 1978, 1984, 1998 federal gumpshum form section XL
- The work enhancement student study worker's wages WT, WTH, and WTF form
- The independent student aid challenge IRS suggested waiver wages inheritance muggle form 1080 ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
Yippee!
We didn't have any worthwhile plans this weekend anyway!
1:00pm
Bob and I sit down at the computer with the following essentials:
- All requested paperwork
- Scanner
- Stapler
- Stapler remover
- Vodka
- Divorce Attorney
1:05pm
User name and password are incorrect
1:15pm
User name and password are incorrect
1:30pm
User name and password are incorrect
3:00pm
User name and password are incorrect
3:30pm
More vodka
4:00pm
"WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE GUMPSHUM FORM?" exclaims Bob.
"It's right here," I calmly respond. "I removed the staples, scanned it, and sent it to my email."
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU REMOVED THE STAPLES! NOW HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHICH FORM GOES TOGETHER??!!" he shouts.
"It's not a problem," I say. "I put the gumpshum form over here because I already scanned it, now all you need to do is give me pages 4, 10, and 692 section A, Q, and L of the doowackleshnort form."
"DON'T PUT THE GUMPSHUM FORM OVER THERE, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHERE IT IS IF YOU PUT IT OVER THERE??" shouts Bob in exasperation.
"I ONLY PUT IT OVER THERE BECAUSE I ALREADY SCANNED IT!" I exclaim, losing my patience.
"Oh, ok. well don't go moving things around," he says, trying to maintain control. "Now the doowackleshnort form wants an accounting of my income since 942 BC."
"No wait," I say, examining the form. "They want my income too, including the $350 I made as a junior counselor at Adventureland Day Camp in 1979."
"I am pretty certain they only want my income," he counters.
"I don't think so," I object, looking more closely at the form. "Look, it says: when in the course of human events it comes to pass that the borrower of the lending parent's student put her left leg in and shook it all about, then the diameter of the isosceles triangle shall include the guardian parent (s) income as reported on form ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUV."
"Right," says Bob with confidence. "That means they only want MY income!"
"I don't think so," I counter.
6:30pm
More vodka.
7:00 pm
Bob frantically searches through 952 piles of paper. "WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE LETTER!?"
"WHAT LETTER!!??" I shout, about to pass out from starvation.
"THE LETTER FROM THE SCHOOL!" Bob shouts back in frustration.
"WHICH LETTER FROM THE SCHOOL. THERE ARE 22,000 LETTERS FROM THE SCHOOL." I ask, trying to refrain from my desire to swat him across the head.
"THE LETTER WITH THE INFORMATION! YOU KNOW THE ONE WITH THE NUMBERS!" comes his incoherent response. "THE FORM YOU LOST WHEN YOU INSISTED ON MOVING ALL OF THE PAPERS AROUND WHEN I TOLD YOU TO KEEP EVERYTHING TOGETHER!"
7:30pm
Sob hysterically.
7:35pm
Get tissues.
8:00pm
Wake up the divorce attorney.
10pm
Hit "submit" and hope for the best.
Ah yes, the FAFSA form. I bet you can't wait until you have a college-age child so that you, too, can experience all of the love and joy that my husband and I shared this weekend.
In the meantime, if you need me, I'll be sitting in a fetal position in my home office, sucking my thumb, and trying to remember my user name and password.
If you like my story, please tell me in the comments section below!
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