The Mixed Up Brains of Lisa Weinstein

My Clothes Aren’t Tight; They Just Shrunk in the Wash

Each night before bed, I go through the dreary, boring routine of trying to figure out how I can make believe I have 2,000 articles of designer wear so I don’t have to put on the same work clothes again, and again, and again.

Let’s see, I wore that dress last week, too soon to wear again.  That skirt was the clothing of choice the last time we had a staff meeting, people will remember (they won’t, but I believe they will, so it plays into my decision).  How about the white pants?  Yes, it’s been several months since I’ve worn the white pants.  And look, they match perfectly with the red jacket.  Better yet, they are still in the dry cleaner wrapping, I won’t even have to pull out the ole ironing board!

So, I gently place one leg into the white pants, and then the other.  I stand up.  So far so good.  I pull up the zipper.  No effort there.  Cue the huge sigh of relief.  But wait, there’s one more step.  The button!  Will I be able to close the button?!   I reach across and pull, and stretch, and grunt, and groan.  Finally, success!    But the down side…. I can barely move.  Well, that settles it; these pants must have shrunk in the wash.  (It doesn’t matter that the pants had just come from the dry cleaner….logic is not high on the list of words I’d use to describe my current state at this time.)

Alright, so I am delusional.  I know deep down that the laundry genie did not cast an evil spell on my clothing.   Pants that used to fit quite nicely are now just a teensy, weensy bit tight.  I admit it, it’s time to do something drastic, time to call out the big guns, time to finally make that life change I’ve been threatening to make for two years now.  That’s right….liposuction!!  (Just kidding)

No seriously, time to go on a (I can’t even bring myself to say it) on a …. (come on Lisa, you can do it) on a ………………………. on a diet!  There!  I said it!  Do you lose weight for just admitting you need to lose weight?

Of course my loving husband bob, my mom, daughter, co-workers and friends all tell me I look great, that there’s no need to do something that drastic.  But I know otherwise.  It’s more about how I feel about myself.  You see, I’ve hit that age in life (the dreaded middle age years) where things that have never changed before suddenly start to sag, droop, slump, hang…you get the picture.

This is not the first time I have attempted the “D” word.  After I gave birth to my now 14-year old Melissa, I mistakenly believed I could continue to eat like I still had another life growing inside of me.  Did I really need a pack of Oreo cookies a day?  Yes, the baby needed the energy!!

Two years after giving birth, something life-altering happened.  Bob received the somewhat scary diagnosis of diabetes.  Fortunately, he did not need insulin, and the doctor felt it could be controlled with medication and diet.  We enlisted the support of a nutritionist and before you know it, the simple act of severely limiting carbs had a dramatic effect.  In one year’s time, he lost 80 pounds, and I shed 30!

How did you do it, you ask?  How did a normal human being give up delicacies like pizza and pasta for an entire year?  Well, I’ll tell you, I don’t know.  All I can say is the motivation of dropping two clothes sizes kept the carbs at bay.  Oh, those were the good old days.

In the intervening years, carbs have forced their way back into my life.  What can I say, they missed me!  We enjoyed a fairly uneventful relationship for quite a while.  Sure, I put on a couple of pounds now and then, but I could always shut the door on carbs for a couple of weeks and those pesky pounds would disappear.

Then, something strange happened….MIDDLE AGE!  Suddenly, dieting for a month no longer worked.  I’d make  a drastic change in my eating habits, would lose nothing, get frustrated, and invite the carbs back in.

So now, Bob and I are both determined!  The fridge is full of fruits, vegetables, and lean meat.  Light bread in the morning will take the place of an egg bagel (sob) and salads will be the standard for lunch.  Melissa, who is so proud of her parents, has offered to cook healthy dinners, and, surprisingly, they’ve been pretty good.

I also made the investment in an exercise bike, which Bob and I both use for 20 minutes a day.  You see, my motivation is no longer only to look good.  (don’t get me wrong, that’s a big part of my motivation)  Now that we are getting older, the shocking realization of our mortality has hit, and Bob and I want to be around for a long, long time.

So we’ll substitute broccoli instead of fries, apples instead of cookies, lean meat instead of pizza, and hopefully, in a couple of months, we’ll celebrate our weight loss success…with a huge bowl of ice cream!!  Just kidding!

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